“I don’t know whose idea it was to go black tie in the fucking middle of summer in fucking Florida, but I want to junk punch them,” I said as Mel and I arrived at this fancy ass fundraiser I was going to for the children’s hospital my cousin Hadley was treated at years ago. At the age of nine she was diagnosed with leukemia. Her oncologist was fantastic but the nurses were what kept her going a lot of the time. Had said that once she beat the cancer she was going to study hard and become an oncology nurse herself to help other kids.
Hadley survived the cancer only to drown when she was sixteen.
“You’re lucky I love you. I could be at home lounging in my pool,” Mel told me.
“But you look sexy in a tux,” I reminded him. Flattery would cool his balls a little. “You didn’t put Fifi in a ball gown before you left, did you?”
“Are you kidding me? She’s in her little bikini,” he told me.
The sad thing was that he wasn’t kidding.
“Polka dots or cherries?”
“Pink with white polka dots.”
“You realize that Paris Hilton’s dog is sitting somewhere shaking her head, right?” I handed over my tickets to the person at the door. I was sweating balls under the layers of skirt I had on.
“Paris Hilton’s dog is just jealous,” he said seriously.
I patted his hand.
“How about I go get us a few glasses of champagne?” No one seemed to see the irony of open bar at a children’s fundraiser, but it would make the evening more tolerable.
“Yes please. I’ll go find our seats,” he said.
“You’re such a good husband.” He hated when I called him that.
“And now we’re getting a divorce. Don’t call me that,” he grumbled.
“Bitch, please. You’d be miserable without me. Plus I have dick stories to tell,” I smiled.
“You’ve been holding out on me?”
“I’ve been saving them for the right time,” I clarified.
“Are they good stories or am I going to cringe?”
“Think James Deen but thicker.”
“Oh damn,” Mel groaned. “Go get the bottle of champagne and come back to tell Mama all about it.”
Just like that, we were back to regularly scheduled programming.
I made my way across the crowded ballroom to the open bar. It was anyone’s guess whether I’d get a full bottle of champagne, but in a room full of southern accents, one stood out. I looked to my left and there, in the middle of a small group, was Stan. He was there alone and even though I was still pretty pissed off at him, I couldn’t help thinking he looked good. His tux had to be new and the tie he was wearing set off his hazel eyes. For once he actually put product in his hair to get it out of his face. He had also shaved so his face was clean and smooth.
“For you, miss?” the bartender asked.
“A bottle of champagne,” I answered without taking my eyes off of Stan.
“How many glasses?”
“Just two, please,” I replied absently. I had no idea Stan was coming. His eyes traveled around the crowd and I swore his eyes met mine, but it was like it didn’t register who he was staring at.
I resolved not to cry, though. I had too much makeup on to cry.
I took my bottle of champagne and two glasses back to my table. Mel was cruising some soccer dad who was obviously married to the pregnasaurus at his side. That woman had to be carrying a litter, she was that big.
“You pour,” I told Mel after I set down the glasses.
“Uh oh.” Mel took the bottle from me and started to pour. “Someone looks like she has a different dick story, although I want to hear the first one still too.”
“He’s here.” I sat down at the table. All the wind in my sails was gone.
Mel perked up to look around for him. “Should I go have a talk with him?” he asked once he spotted Stan.
“What are you going to say that will change anything, Mel? He doesn’t want me anymore,” I said sadly. I shouldn’t have been sad. Deep down I knew I should have been glad he didn’t see me anymore, but the competitive person in me, the one that needed to be right and come out on top, just couldn’t let it go that easily.
“I can at least goose him,” Mel shrugged. “I’m sure that wouldn’t be comfortable for him.”
“Will you do it with a cattle prod?” I grumbled.
“Oh of course I will,” he replied seriously. “No pouting. You look too pretty to pout. Tell me about the new James Deen dick.”
Mel handed me a glass of champagne.
“You remember Eric Northman?”
“Big tall guy with that devastating smile?”
“Blonde hair, blue eyes and oozing charm from every pore? Yeah, that’s him,” I nodded. “Well, add James Deen dick to the list.”
“Ugh, that’s not fair,” Mel groaned. “Is he gay, maybe a little bi?”
That made me laugh.
“I don’t think so, sweetie,” I answered.
“Why do women get all the good looking ones? I want James Deen dick,” he pouted. “Do you think I can turn him, or is he Jason straight?”
“He’s Jason straight.” At least I was pretty sure he was.
“Fine. Tell me all the details. It’s been too long since I had good dick, and never any James Deen dick. Do you think James Deen would fuck me? He does seem to like fuckin’ girls in the ass.”
“He does, but I don’t think you qualify, even with the screaming you do over spiders,” I chuckled. “You know I dated Eric before, right? We were together for almost a year. I lost my virginity to him.”
“Why did you let him go if he’s got such good dick? And how in the hell did you end up in bed with him again without telling me?”
“I broke up with him. He was more interested in getting drunk all the time and he treated me like trash. I deserved better, so I left. Then Stan dumped me and some bossy queen told me to go out drinking. I ran into him at Coco Bar and I ended up going home with him,” I explained.
“I guess the bossy queen made an excellent point since you didn’t end the night disappointed,” Mel said.
“I’m still sore,” I laughed.
“Giiiirl. You need to forget about this Stan asshole and hop back on that James Deen dick.”
“I don’t know if I want to do that. Good dick isn’t enough for me, Mel. I keep falling for guys that don’t love me back. Stan and I at least had things in common. I’m sure once he settles in here we can work things out–”
Mel stopped me by putting his hand over my mouth. “You are out of your goddamn mind if you think you’re going to be working things out with that cheating asshole. Stan is a predator, Sookie. He used you and now he’s moved on to a younger model. Now, I’m not saying to marry this other guy, but have some fun. You’re still young.”
“I had fun with him once already and got my heart broken in the process,” I told him.
“Then don’t let your heart get involved,” he shrugged like it was that easy.
“Or I could just move on to someone new,” I countered.
“You could,” he replied.
I looked over at Stan. A young woman in a slinky red dress was standing next to him. Her skin was pale and her long, red hair was left hanging down her back in waves. She had big blue eyes and full, pink lips.
“She’s pretty,” I said to myself.
“She’s a child,” Mel told me.
“Her tits disagree.”
“Girls are developing younger and younger. It’s all the GMOs in food these days.”
“Either way, she’s obviously got something I don’t,” I sighed. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t just walk away from Stan. Rationally, I knew it was the right thing to do, but I just couldn’t do it. “Maybe he just needs to be reminded of what he’s missing.”
“And how do you intend to do that?”
“I don’t know… James Deen dick might be a part of it, though,” I replied.
“Oh, so you’re going to use him to try to make Stan jealous? That’s rational,” Mel snorted.
“Aren’t you the one who told me to have fun and not let my heart get involved?” I reminded him.
“You’re right. I’m just jealous… you sure I can’t take a crack at it?”
“At Eric? I mean, go for it if you want but it’s not going to end well. He’s a boob man not an ass man,” I told him.
“I have pecks, will those work?”
“Ask him,” I smirked.
“Bring him around,” he smirked back.
“Just don’t mention Fifi,” I laughed. Eric would probably mistake her for a noisy rat.
“What’s wrong with my princess?” Mel looked offended.
“If you tell him you have children he’s going to expect an actual child.”
“My baby is an actual child.” He was delusional.
“She’s not human.”
“She might as well be.”
“Seriously, you have issues,” I told him.
“Everyone has their quirks,” he said before taking a drink of his champagne.
“I think I want to go say hello,” I said when Big Red moved away from Stan.
“Good luck,” he sighed.
“You think I should go over there?”
“No, I think you should leave him alone and move on.”
“With James Deen dick,” I added with a little smile.
“Hey, if he rocks your world, I don’t see why not. Hell, use him as a booty call until you’re over that limp dick over there.”
“He’s not limp, he’s ju–”
“Old and limp. He probably has ED and takes Viagra every night he’s with her,” Mel said pointedly.
I leaned over to kiss his cheek.
“You’re the best husband ever, you know.”
“The only reason I’m not calling you on that shit is because Old Man McGee and James Deen dick have you all fucked up,” he chuckled and I laughed with him.
“Wanna dance with your favorite hag? I’ll lead,” I offered.
Mel held out his hand while finishing another glass of champagne. I polished off mine and then stood up, taking his hand as I rose. I tried not to pay attention to Stan but it was hard not to. His lady friend didn’t seem to know who I was. When I saw her go to the bathroom I decided to follow her.
“I wonder if I can find out if the curtains match the drapes,” I shrugged when Mel gave me his judgey face. The mere hint of seeing a vagina made him gag dramatically.
“You’re disgusting and a shit liar. Don’t be that girl, Sookie. Leave her alone.”
“What girl are you talking about? The curious ex-girlfriend who wants a closer look at the new girl or the curious ex who wants to know if her former lover is back in town for good–”
“You know what? Go, embarrass yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Mel said, shaking his head. “She clearly doesn’t know about you. It’s not her fault Stan’s a lying prick. You don’t need to know anything else about her other than she has the same affinity for old balls that you seem to have.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“You know I hope you never end up in love with someone who treats you like crap but you can’t walk away,” I told him. “It’s a shitty place to be.”
“Yeah, and don’t make yourself feel worse. Going after her is going to do a lot more harm than good. I’m trying to look out for your best interest.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I’ll be back.”
I knew he thought I was making a mistake but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be obvious and I was sure if I played to Big Red’s vanity I’d get the info I wanted. I walked into the bathroom as she was washing her hands. I stood at the sinks beside her and got out my lip gloss.
“Your dress is stunning,” I told her. That might have been her prom dress, for all I knew.
“Oh, thanks,” she blushed. “I’m not used to wearing things this fancy.”
“Me either. I’m a bikini and shorts kind of girl,” I smiled. “I’m guessing you’re not local?” Her accent suggested Texas.
“No,” she shook her head, but didn’t offer anymore.
“Texas?” I guessed.
“Yeah,” she smiled. She looked uncomfortable.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to be a creep. My Gran is from Honey Grove,” I told her. “So I grew up hearing a Texas accent regularly.”
“That’s okay.” She dried her hands off. “It was nice talkin’ to you,” she said before she turned to leave.
Now the conversation was brief but I couldn’t tell what Stan liked about her other than her tits. They might have actually been bigger than mine. They were definitely younger. Maybe he wanted a bimbo for a while, some naïve girl he could order around because she was too inexperienced to know better. Or maybe she wasn’t as wholesome as she looked and she was into kinky sex.
I could be into kink… I talked dirty.
Who was I kidding?
I left the bathroom and went to find Mel.
“I need to go home and eat my weight in triple chocolate ice cream and cheese fries,” I said dejectedly.
“Or lift your spirits and go get some more James Deen dick,” he muttered.
“Either way I’m screwed or a glutton,” I replied. “You can stay if you think you can get soccer dad to feel you up in the coat closet.”
“I just might,” he smirked as he looked around for the soccer dad.
“I’ll call you later.”
“Good luck.” Mel leaned in to kiss my cheek.
“You too.” I turned and walked out of the ballroom. Off to the left I noticed Big Red smooching on Stan while he smoked a cigar. He never used to smoke cigars.
I hailed a cab and got in the back of it. My head told me to stick to the ice cream plan, yet when the driver asked me where I wanted to go, I gave him Eric’s address. I really was a glutton.