Chapter 6: I Can’t Make You Love Me
I feel like shit for the way I acted the other day. Finding out I’m going to be a father was a punch in the balls. I didn’t see it coming. Sookie’s on some kind of birth control and I’m pretty careful about pulling out. I know it’s not a guarantee, but still… I wasn’t expecting it.
I’m not sure how I feel about it. I never really wanted kids thanks to what my stepfather did to me as a child. My biological father died in a plane crash when I was four. It was a small private plane and it turned out the pilot was drunk. Mom remarried just before I turned eight. Her new husband seemed like the answer to her prayers. He showered me with attention and gifts… Little did she know what it was costing me in return.
Night after night he snuck into my room. The things he did… I knew if I told her she wouldn’t believe me. Mom loved me but she loved her lifestyle more. For almost five years I endured the twisted shit he came up with for us to do. For my thirteenth birthday he gave me an expensive video camera. I’m guessing the arrogant fuck never imagined I’d use it to set him up.
He’s now divorced from my mother and registered as a sex offender in upstate New York. Being a convicted child predator didn’t sit well with his Wall Street cohorts and Ocella was effectively ousted by the multiple counts of rape, sexual misconduct with a minor and various other things he was charged with. My mom was humiliated by the allegations and I voluntarily went to live with my paternal grandparents in Connecticut.
Living with them was the best thing I could have done. I remember being skittish around my grandfather at first, but he didn’t take it personally. I went to counseling, but I wasn’t ready to face it all quite yet. I got into some trouble in my teen years and abused a few different narcotics in the hope of chasing away the demons in my head.
For a few years I just didn’t give a fuck if I lived or died. I drank, snorted, smoked, injected and fucked my way through life. I dropped out of high school at the age of sixteen and only got clean when my grandmother begged me to. She was dying; it turned out, of stomach cancer that spread to her lymph nodes. I was still in rehab when she died.
Her dying wish saved my ass. I got my GED and spent four years in the Marine Corps before I started doing security work in the private sector. I met Sookie almost four months ago at a department store. It just so happened I was looking for new bedding and I asked her which she’d prefer when she sleeps over. I’ll never forget the look on her face. Shock, amusement and lust all mixed together.
I’ve never been so smitten with someone.
I’m not used to feelings like these. Knowing that Sookie and I have some unfortunate things in common only makes those feelings stronger. Plus she’s the mother of my child. We’re going to be in each other’s lives indefinitely now.
But I still feel bad for pressuring her like I did. It sucks knowing that she doesn’t feel the way I do, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior.
I’m sitting at a table at Fratelli’s Lounge when I see Sookie walk in. My heart skips a beat like it always does and I force myself to stay seated. Since she can’t have alcohol I ordered her an iced tea.
“Hi,” I smile as she approaches.
“Hi,” she smiles back. She takes a seat across from me and hangs her purse on the back of the chair.
“Thanks for coming. I’m actually surprised you agreed to after the other day.”
“This needs to happen,” she shrugs. “I was worried I’d never hear from you again.”
“I was… The news threw me off and all the things we talked about the day before… Look, I know it’s not your problem that I have feelings for you that go beyond enjoying the sex. It’s okay that you don’t feel the way I do. I mean it sucks, but it’s okay. Regardless of that, I’m not going anywhere because I want to be in my kid’s life. I want to be there for you, whether it’s doctor’s appointments or getting you French onion dip for your apple slices at three in the morning,” I tell her.
Sookie gives me a small smile and says, “I really wish I was ready for… more. I just hope you don’t take it personal. I’m trying really hard to get my life back on track and it’s terrifying. Now I have this baby to think about… I didn’t think I’d ever be any good for a baby, but I’m going to do my best with ours. I really do like having you around, Eric. I love spending time with you, I don’t necessarily want it to stop, but I understand if you do and you just want to be around for baby things. I just… there’s a lot going on in my head right now.”
“It’s okay, Sookie. I get it,” I assure her. “But I think it would be better if we just keep things about the baby. It’s confusing to try to keep it all separated, you know? The more I see you and the more I learn the more I lo–” I cut myself off when I realize what I’m about to say. Even scarier, I think I do love her. I’m not going to say it though.
“I get it. It sucks, but I get it,” she says with a little chuckle. “What were you going to say, Eric?”
“You don’t want to know,” I reply and take a big drink of my scotch.
She sips her tea as she watches me. I think she knows what I was going to say.
“Thank you for the tea,” she says. She casually adds, “I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat this morning. I’m nine weeks.”
“Shit. I wish I would have been there,” I sigh. I know I have no one to blame but me. “Nine weeks, huh? So when are you due?”
“New Year’s eve,” she tells me. “I would’ve called you to come to the appointment with me, but I didn’t know if you were answering my calls.”
“I would have come.” I really do want to be there for everything.
“My next appointment is July 25th, it’s a Friday.”
I get my phone out and add it to my calendar so I don’t forget. “What time? I’ll make sure I’m in town that day.”
“At eleven,” she says. “I’ll text you my doctor’s office location later.”
“Thanks.” I put my phone on the table. “Did you get pictures? What did the heartbeat sound like? Is the baby healthy? Are you feeling okay?”
Yeah, I need to calm the fuck down.
She giggles and says, “The heartbeat was a little overwhelming. I mean, until two days ago I didn’t even feel anything strange. It’s strong and the baby is healthy. I do have a few pictures but I wasn’t sure you wanted to see them so I left them at home. And lastly, I feel fine. I’ve had a little morning sickness, but I got some ginger tea that seems to help.”
“Good. I mean I’m glad the tea helps, not good that you have morning sickness.”
Annnd I need to slow down on the scotch.
“I know what you mean,” Sookie smiles, her gorgeous blue eyes twinkling. “If you like you can follow me home to see the pictures. You can even take one or two home with you.”
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I agree. “Can you see anything or is it like a Rorschach test in your uterus?”
“You can see the shape. It has your giant head,” she winks. “You can see the little arms and feet that are forming. It’s amazing, Eric, just amazing.”
“I’m sorry I missed it,” I say. “I’m sorry I was a dick.”
“You confused me. One second you were perfectly fine with what we had going and the next you were telling me you were going to find other girls to fuck,” she says. “I honestly didn’t know what the hell was going on. Please, please know I’m not doing this to be mean. I’m not going out looking for other guys to fuck or for someone else to be my baby daddy. I’m not emotionally ready for the relationship that you want.”
“I know. I get it. For the record I never said I was going to go out to look for other girls to fuck. You keep putting that word in my mouth. I’ve come to the realization that I am ready for a relationship so anyone I get involved with, that’s what I’m looking for,” I explain.
“You know I’m a woman and I hear what I want,” she chuckles. Her face gets serious again before she adds, “You don’t know how bad I wish I could be that girl for you right now. I know I’ll be ready one day, hopefully soon, but I would never ask you to wait for me.”
“I just want to be clear so you don’t walk around with all these assumptions in your head. I wish you were that girl too, but it’s okay. It’s not meant to be. I’ll be fine.” I finish off my scotch.
“You mean it’s not meant to be now,” she says quietly as she looks around the restaurant.
“All I know is right now. I could meet someone tomorrow and it’s the right fit,” I shrug.
“Yeah,” she sighs and drops her head back, putting her long, slender neck on display.
“You’ll find the right guy, Sookie,” I assure her. A girl like her isn’t going to stay single forever, even with a kid.
“It’s not that,” she says as she looks at me again. “I feel like I have, but it’s the wrong time and again, I won’t ask him to wait.”
I’m guessing ‘him’ is me.
“You might never be ready. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I’d rather we be friends than ruin it by trying to be something we’re not,” I tell her. “We both deserve better.”
“That’s why I’m not telling you to hold on; I’ll be ready in a month. I love, love, love having sex with you, Eric. You have no idea how good you are. I think you have a wonderful personality too. I love that you understand where I am right now in my recovery. I wish… I wish things could be different for me, for us…”
“Like I said, you’ll find the right person,” I smile. The right one will help her with her recovery. It occurs to me that maybe I’m not good for her that way. It’s possible she thinks having two damaged people in a relationship is a bad idea. One of us should be stable, right?
“We’ll see,” she shrugs.
“Yeah, we will. Are you hungry? I was thinking of ordering one of those mashed potato pizzas.”
“I’m starving. I can’t seem to hold anything down though,” she sighs. “I can just nibble off of yours. If that’s okay, of course.”
“Sure.” I signal a waitress so I can order us some food. I’ve been thinking about the pizza since lunch, I’m not gonna lie. It’s pretty amazing and it shouldn’t mess with Sookie’s stomach too much. If our kid doesn’t like potato skin pizza, we need to consider adoption.
I’m thankful she’s accepted my apology. I wish she was ready for the things I am, but I’ve got a pretty big head start on her with the recovery stuff. I’ll definitely have stuff to talk to my therapist about tomorrow, though. I’m sure Dr. Gainesborough will shit a kitten when I tell her I’m having a kid. I’m still not sure I won’t shit a kitten myself.
I’m still surprised I’m not sick after dinner. I ate two of Eric’s six slices of delicious bacony goodness. At least the baby doesn’t dislike bacon. That’s grounds for adoption.
Eric pulls into my driveway next to me and follows me to the front door. I was able to get six prints today and I want to give Eric three of them. It is half his DNA after all.
“You gonna stick around a while or just grab the pictures and go?” I ask as he follows me up to the front door.
“I can hang out for a bit if you want.”
“Of course I do,” I smile. “I like hanging out with you.” He has to have noticed I don’t have that many friends.
“I guess we’ll have to do something other than play the All In the Family drinking game,” he chuckles as he follows me inside.
“I could play with tea. It’d be kinda ridiculous trying to pick your heavy ass off the floor though,” I giggle. “Speaking of drinking, would you like something?”
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
I bend at the waist to unbuckle my wedges without thinking. Eric’s tiny growl reminds me of what I’m doing. When I stand up I give him a sheepish look.
“Didn’t mean… nevermind,” I blush as I step out of my wedges.
“It’s a good view.”
“Thanks,” I say before biting my bottom lip. It’s weird being in the house with him with no hope of sex. This will be good. The best part of hanging out with Eric is I’m not thinking about that stupid fucking plot to kill Bill. However, having Eric here reminds me of why I agreed to do it. “I’m going to change if you don’t mind. My pants are starting to feel tight. I’m going to have to go shopping soon.”
“I don’t mind. I’m going to go park my ass on the couch before I offer to help you out of your clothes.” He looks like he wants to. Badly.
“I would take the offer,” I inform him before I turn to head back to my bedroom. Sitting across from his sexy ass all night has me extremely turned on. I get why he doesn’t want to though.
“I’m just being truthful,” I say over my shoulder. As soon as I’m in the hallway I have my shirt over my head and I’m working on my jeans.
“Still not helping!” He calls after me.
I giggle as I walk into my room and drop my jeans and panties. I go to my dresser to grab a pair of yoga shorts and a thin T-shirt that Eric left one weekend. I pile my hair on top of my head and grab the ultrasound pictures from my nightstand. When I get back to the living room Eric is leaning back on the couch. I so want to straddle him, but I’m a good girl and sit next to him.
“This is our little jellybean,” I smile as I hand him the small stack of pictures.
As soon as his eyes focus on the baby, his grin is from ear to ear. For a moment he just stares in awe. His index finger traces the outline of our baby and he shakes his head in disbelief.
“Wow,” he whispers.
I don’t know what possesses me to do it, but I grab his hand to place on my lower abdomen.
“It’s like I can feel it growing,” I tell him as I press his hand against my belly. “I’m so in love with this little tiny thing and I don’t even know, or care, what it’s going to be like. I just know it’s part of you and you’re a good man. That makes this exciting and a little less scary for me.”
He rubs my belly gently and leans over to kiss my cheek. “Thank you, Sookie,” he whispers.
“For what?” I whisper back, trying so hard not to turn to catch his lips with mine.
“For being honest with me and for letting me be a part of this,” he says.
“Then you’re welcome,” I smile.
He gives me another lingering peck and then pulls back. “Sorry. Old habits.”
“Never apologize for kissing me,” I say quietly.
Eric removes his hand from my stomach and gives me back the pictures.
“So… should we watch a movie or play cards or something?”
“We can watch a movie.” I grab the remote to turn the TV on. “Pick out which three pictures you want.” I start flipping through the guide to look for the movie channels.
Eric goes through the pictures and takes three of them. He sets his on the end table.
“I don’t know what to watch. If it was up to me we’d end up on Ancient Aliens or something.” I reach over to hand him the remote control
“That’s fine. I got sucked into an Ice Road Truckers marathon the other night,” he admits.
“Happens to me all the time,” I giggle. I turn it onto the History channel and set the remote down.
Because I’m a glutton I shift around on the couch to rest my head on his thigh.
“Is this okay?” I ask as I look up his torso.
“Yeah.” His fingers find a few strands of loose hair and begins twirling it.
I groan quietly when he tugs on it a little as he twirls. I love the way it feels to get my hair played with. I don’t say anything though I shift onto my side to watch the TV while he plays. I want to tell him to play with other parts of my body like this but I don’t. Instead, I rest my hand on his knee.
“Your hair smells good,” he whispers randomly.
“Thanks. Your hand feels good,” I reply. It does.
“Here too?” He massages my neck.
I reach up to take my hair down and turn my head to give him better access.
“That feels so good,” I groan softly.
He keeps his hand moving slowly on my neck and shoulder. His thumb presses along my spine at the perfect amount of pressure. Those long arms can reach all the way to my ass no problem.
“Mmm, you have no idea how good that is,” I whisper-moan against his thigh. My fingers dig a little deeper into his leg.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” His fingers brush the waist of my shorts but he behaves himself. I don’t want him to.
“Is there something I can do for you?” I ask quietly as my hand starts to slowly rub up and down his inner thigh. This is exactly what he said he didn’t want and I’m here trying to seduce him.
“There’s a lot of things you could do for me,” he replies. “But you probably shouldn’t.”
“Do you want me to stop?” My hand moves up a little higher. I know I don’t want him to stop.
“No,” he answers. “But I think you should anyway.”
“Okay,” I whisper and rest my hand by his knee again. It would be easy to turn my head and pull his cock out to suck, but he’s being a good boy. I’m not going to tempt him anymore.
Eric continues to rub my back until I can’t take anymore. I move up to my hands and knees, keeping my eyes on his as I sit up and pull the shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. I know what he says, but I want him. Bad. I straddle his lap and rest my hands on his shoulders as I start to rock my hips.
“Please don’t stop this,” I whisper as I dip my head to brush my lips over his.
I get a growl in response and then his fingers threading through my hair to hold my head still. His lips catch mine in a demanding, hungry kiss.
I start to unbutton his shirt, reaching in to rub his hard chest. I can feel his erection growing below me, making my pussy clench.
“You should feel how wet you make me,” I whisper between kisses while I reach down to tug his shirt from his waistband.
“I should stop,” he says, but moves his lips down my neck. His hands travel down my back to my ass.
“Mmm, but it feels so good,” I groan when he slips his hands down the back of my shorts. I drop my head back to give him better access to my neck while I continue to rub my hot center over his hard-on. I scoot my hips back some to unzip his pants. I love it when he goes commando. His cock springs out, landing in my hand and I start to slowly stroke his length.
“Fuck, I want to be inside you,” he groans.
“What’s stopping you?” I rub my thumb over his wet tip before sliding my hand down to his base and all the way up to his tip again, squeezing just right.
“Your shorts,” he growls.
Those are easily taken care of. I keep my hand moving as I stand up and use my other hand to push my shorts down my thighs. When they fall to the floor I climb right back onto his lap.
“What shorts?” I smirk and rub my bare, wet pussy over his tip.
Eric groans and his head falls back against the couch. He grabs my hips and in spite of what he said earlier, he doesn’t fight it when I slide down his cock. This is what I’ve been craving. His long, hard cock filling me.
I lean forward to kiss along the side of his neck as my hips slowly slide up and down. His cock is perfect. I can feel how wet I am as I easily slide down his length again and again. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or if my feelings are shifting but I don’t think I’ve ever been this wet. Ever.
“Do you know how good you feel, baby?” I whisper into his ear before nipping the lobe.
“I know how good you feel.” He grips my ass and thrusts his hips up to meet mine.
As he goes harder I shift to my feet so I’m squatting over his lap, allowing him to get insanely deep. I look down to watch as his thick shaft disappears inside of me again and again and again. I can feel his eyes on my tits bouncing so I cup them in my hands and start to pluck my nipples. I know how much he likes watching me. The way his cock pulses inside of me let’s me know this is working for him. I’m blessed with big, natural tits and I lift my right breast to suck my nipple between my lips. Eric’s eyes catch mine for a moment before they land on my mouth again, reveling in the way I flick my tongue out to lick myself.
“Goddamn, Sookie,” he grunts. Eric leans forward to catch my other nipple between his teeth and nibble on it.
This makes my walls start to pulse around his cock. “Fuck, that’s good,” I breathe. I reach down with my other hand and start to massage my clit. I can cum for Eric without it, but it feels amazing. My body starts to vibrate as my orgasm gets closer and closer.
“Are you going to make me cum for you, baby?” I moan when he tugs a little harder on my nipple.
“Mmhmm,” he hums. Eric holds onto my hips and his skin begins slapping against mine with hard, deep thrusts.
“Fuck! That’s it… Yesyesyes!” I chant as my walls start to grip him with my first orgasm. My legs start shake but I feel like I can do this all night. I love fucking Eric. That’s never going to change.
He slows down and I can feel his shaft pulsing. Eric bites his lip and I can tell he’s trying to hold back. He lifts me off of him and I end up under him on the couch with a leg up on his shoulder. He’s still able to get insanely deep this way and he uses the arm of the couch for leverage to fill me over and over. His pubic bone continuously rubs against my clit at he moves in and out of me.
My back arches the best it can in this position. A second orgasm hits hard before I even know it’s coming.
“Fuuuuck!” I shout as I start to tremble. “More,” I plead. My arms loop under his arms to pull him closer. I start to suck and nibble on his neck as he continues to grind against me, dragging my orgasm out.
“You’re gonna make me cum, Sookie,” he pants. His movements become erratic and his abs twitch.
“Give it to me,” I moan. “I need to feel it.” The pleading tone in my voice makes him falter just a little. I know when his hot release fills me it’s going to pull another orgasm from me. I want it. I want him. I just can’t tell him that yet. I hope to god when I do it won’t be too late.
“Fuck… Fuck… Sookie!” He buries himself deep inside me before he cums, filling me with his release. His face drops to my neck and I can feel him breathing hard.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders. His weight on me feels good. It feels right. I kiss his neck where it meets his shoulder, hugging him tight. I don’t want this feeling to end.
Without thinking I whisper, “Stay the night.”
Eric tenses up. He lifts his head and he looks… sad.
“I want to, I do. But I can’t. I shouldn’t have… I should go,” he says.
I expected that. It doesn’t stop the tears from stinging my eyes. I turn my head, peeling my eyes from his and nod slightly. I don’t want him to go. It’s not fair though. Not to either of us.
Without a word he pulls out of me and sits back on the couch. He takes a few breaths before getting up to go to the bathroom. While he’s gone I do my best to compose myself. I pull the T-shirt back on and go to my own bathroom to clean up some and put my shorts back on. When I get back to the living room Eric is standing there fully dressed.
“Sorry,” I sniffle. I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t give him what he wants right now or that I can, but I have to get this Bill shit out of the way first. All I know is I’ll never be sorry for sleeping with him. He’s going to father my baby.
“It’s my fault.” Eric picks up the pictures from the end table. “I uh… I’ll see you for the next appointment. If you need anything…”
I need him to stay. I won’t ask for that though.
“Thanks,” I say with a weak smile. “But it’s not your fault and that’s not even what I was apologizing for. I would like to…” I want to try to spend more time with him with our clothes on. “Maybe we can have dinner or something next week sometime. Out. In public.”
“Maybe,” he agrees but I can tell he’s just being nice.
“Please don’t do that,” I sigh.
“Don’t lie to me. If you don’t have any intention of doing something with me.” I didn’t tell him I don’t want him around. I told him I’m not ready. “I want to get to know you better out of the bedroom, Eric. I want…” To feel about you how you feel about me. “Nevermind,” I shake my head.
“When you can tell me what you want, give me a call,” he says before turning to leave.
I follow him to the door. It’s upsetting when he opens it he just walks out without saying anything. It hurts, but it’s my fault he’s leaving like this. It’s my fault we’re even in this situation. If I could just pull up my big girl panties and tell Caroline to fuck off so I can have a chance at a real relationship with my baby’s father, I wouldn’t feel like this as I watch him walk away. Then I remind myself why I’m going along with this. Bill is a lying, dirty, prick and he’s unknowingly going to send my baby to college one day. He’s going to buy it a house to live in and maybe even a tree house to play in. I still have to find a better job so it doesn’t look so shady when I start collecting the money.
I rest my hand on my stomach and silently promise my little jellybean that it’s going to get a life far better than mine. It’s going to have the love and devotion I didn’t get. So for that, I am grateful to Bill Compton.