Chapter 2: Butterball

Previous

I’m a little concerned about how much I might grow in three months, so while Maria is having her gown hemmed, I pull one of the seamstresses to the side to ask her opinion. She informs me she’ll be able to do emergency alterations as late as a week before the wedding if I need them done. It won’t be cheap, but it’s good to know.

The dress Maria picked out is pretty much the color of stone washed denim. It’s a fairly plain A line dress with a V-neck and a knee length skirt. I know we’re getting a broach to jazz it up a little bit and instead of wearing heels we’re supposed to wear cowboy boots. My feet may be excited about that in a few months.

“Alcide’s going to pitch a tent when he gets a load of this dress,” I tell Maria once I’m back in the main dressing area of the shop. Her dress is a form fitting mermaid gown with lacey cap sleeves and bodice that’s beaded without looking tacky. There is such a thing as too much bling, but Maria didn’t cross the line.

“You think?” Maria grins. “It’s not too much?”

“It’s gorgeous,” I assure her. The wedding itself is being held at an old farm up in Wisconsin, so I’ll be spending a long weekend up there. If I do get morning sickness, hopefully it’ll be over by then. I don’t need to be spending most of the day with my head in the john, but I really don’t need to do it in formal wear. For tonight I’m not going to say anything about it, though.

“I just hope I don’t throw up from the nerves on the big day. And that Alcide doesn’t get cold feet last second. I’d kill him if he left me at the altar all alone.”

“He won’t. That’s more the best man’s style,” I snort. If Eric and I ever could make it work we’d probably go the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell route and live in sin without ever actually getting married. He’s got epic Free Bird Syndrome.

“I don’t think Eric would ever get close enough to someone to propose in the first place,” she laughs.

“True story there. I wonder if Whora knows that?” I move over to a display of headpieces. Shiny.

“Most likely not. He doesn’t tell them until they’re in love and planning babies with him,” she reminds me. “He’ll let her down not so gently and then wonder why she hates him.”

“Sounds about right. Maybe I’ll save him the trouble and have her deported,” I suggest.

“Is she that vile? I don’t remember you disliking any of his women this much in the past,” she says.

“She just rubs me the wrong way. Like she intentionally uses British slang to talk shit like no one around her will get it? Eric, darling, must go to the loo,” I mock.

“That would be obnoxious,” she laughs. “Something is keeping him. She probably lets him give her butt sex.”

“The night they met,” I confirm.

“He’s a lost cause until she stops giving that up,” Maria shrugs. “She won’t be around for long, don’t worry.”

“I just won’t be around him much as long as she’s around. He sweet talked me into letting the cable guy into his place. I wonder if Whora knows I have a key to his place and he slept over at my place two weeks ago.” We just slept, but Eric’s a midnight cuddle bandit.

“I can guarantee you she doesn’t know that,” Maria laughs. “That’s why none of his women last. He won’t let you go.”

“They’re intimidated by my tits,” I snort.

“Who isn’t?” Maria barely has a B cup.

“Beyoncé,” I shrug.

“Maybe Dolly Parton too, she has good knockers like you. I need to get out of this dress.”

“That dress is good for your knockers though.” The bodice has her all lifted up and whatnot.

“That’s why I picked it. I can’t walk around in this all day though. Plus, I’m starving and I can’t eat or breathe in this thing.”

“Let me borrow it. I need to drop a few pounds,” I snort. That won’t be happening for about ten months.

“You look gorgeous, Sookie. You don’t need to lose anything.”

If only she knew…

“Thanks. I devoured a turtle cheesecake last week that Laff left in the fridge like it was my last meal and– Why are you looking at me like I have an asshole on my forehead?”

“You can’t do that, Sookie. Not with the wedding so close. Alterations if you gain weight are a lot more than if you lose it. Can you keep the cheesecake binges at bay until after the ceremony?”

“What happened to I look gorgeous and don’t need to lose anything?” I knew that wouldn’t last.

I love Maria but she’s gone off the deep end over this wedding. It truly has consumed most of her life. Just last week she asked me to go with her to some family friend’s vineyard in Michigan to taste wines for the wedding. Which reminds me… Fuuuuuck.

“You do look gorgeous. You don’t have to lose, but I don’t want you to gain,” she tells me.

“Speaking of losing, I uh… Something came up at work. I can’t go to Michigan this weekend,” I tell her.

“What? Why? Since when is work more important than wine tasting?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me. “I was counting on you.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Why not go with Janice? She likes you.” And she never shuts up. Ever since she had her son Magnus it’s pretty much all she talks about. I’ve heard that kid’s birth story in way more detail than I wanted to hear. I really didn’t need to know it took twelve stitches to fix her after she tore.

“Do you hate me?” she asks seriously. “I would end up in the loony bin if I was stuck alone with her for any length of time.”

“She’s going to be family. You might as well get used to it. I’m sure she’ll only mention her stretched out, sewn together twat three or four times.” I don’t think that’s selling it.

“That fact that I’ve heard it once is too much. You can’t flake on me, Sook. You have to be there.”

“I wish I could but I have to do this work thing.” I’m being vague as shit. Maria’s known me long enough to be able to sniff out when I’m full of crap. So I quickly shove her into a dressing room so she can put her street clothes on. If she’s going to have a meltdown I’d rather she not do it in her wedding dress.

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Sookie,” she calls from the other side of the door. “What aren’t you telling me?”

I wasn’t going to tell her tonight but I know she’ll be pissed if I keep it a secret now. I take a deep breath and blurt out, “I’m pregnant.”

The door flies open revealing a half-naked Maria.

“You’re what?” She’s pissed.

“Pregnant. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ruin your wedding by incubating a new life,” I say. “I’m not even sure if I’m keeping it. The father… well he doesn’t want kids.”

“I don’t know what frustrates me more. You thinking a baby is going to ruin my wedding, or you thinking about getting rid of it,” she sighs. She realizes she’s naked from the waist up and grabs her shirt to pull over her head. “Sorry, it’s a shock. At least now we know why you ate a cheesecake.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Look, I’m not sure if I’m cut out to be a mother. I work long hours, I’m selfish, I like sleeping late and going on random trips. A kid would completely change my life and I’d have to do it alone. I mean the father would pay child support and show up once in a while out of obligation, but he wouldn’t really be in it, you know? It’d be up to me. I’m not sure if I’m ready for diapers, teething, breastfeeding mommy groups or childproofing my place…” I trail off. It’s a lot to think about.

“Who is the father? Do I know him?”

“You know him.” I look her in the eye and a few seconds later her jaw drops.

“Sookie,” she whisper-yells. “You’re pregnant with Eric’s baby? How long have you two been fooling around and is this why you don’t like Nora?”

“It’s not like that. I went to Fossils on Valentine’s Day and I drank a bottle of pinot,” I explain and she laughs. I’m sure Maria can figure it out from there.

“I knew you two were close, but I didn’t know you were that close,” she says, shaking her head. “I understand the dilemma now.”

“Oh come on, you know we’ve hooked up a few times randomly over the years. It’s necessary with all the bad sex,” I snort. “And he knows about the baby. I’ve never heard someone shit themselves before.”

“I didn’t know you were still hooking up. I’m sure he’s at your house waiting for you to get home so you can tell him you’re teasing,” she laughs.

“It’s possible,” I sigh. “I’m going to the doctor in the morning to make sure it wasn’t a false positive.”

“That’s a good idea. For what it’s worth, I don’t think Eric would be as absent as you might think. Alcide told me about his father skipping out on him and I don’t think he’d do that to you or that baby.”

“Trust me, I know all about his daddy issues. He doesn’t want kids. There’s a difference between obligation and wanting to be there, you know?” I’m not going to hold a gun to his head over this, nor do I expect anything to change between us. I definitely didn’t get pregnant on purpose.

If I wanted to trap Eric I’d do it with a girl/girl/guy three-way and not a baby.

“Maybe this will calm him down. He’s getting older,” she shrugs. “Maybe you two can make a relationship work? What? No?” she finishes when I look at her like she’s insane.

“Uh, no. I’m not interested in getting back on that rollercoaster. One baby at a time is all I can handle,” I say. Don’t get me wrong, Eric has his good points, but I’m too old to be dealing with the same bullshit over and over again. I learned my lesson. When I was twenty I might have thought this was a sign. I’ve grown up.

“That’s all the advice I had,” she chuckles. Maria closes the door again to finish changing.

“It’s fine. I’ll figure it out. But now you know why you’ll need a replacement since I can’t be drinking wine,” I say.

“I’ll find someone.”

“Ask Holly. I know she gets car sick, but if she takes a Dramamine she should be fine.” Holly is the third bridesmaid. Janice is the other and only at Alcide’s request.

“I might just make Alcide go. It’s his wedding too.” She opens the door dressed in the clothes she showed up in.

“It might be good for you guys. Get your wine on, stay in a little inn by the lake…” I’m not sure how much quality time they’ve been spending together lately. Plus I think Maria could use a good fuck, if I’m being honest.

“Maybe I’ll suggest that to him. That might be the only way to get him to go. He rarely turns down pussy,” she chuckles as she hangs her dress.

“Offer him butt sex,” I laugh.

I don’t get the big deal with that.

“Saving it for the wedding night.”

“Sounds… kinky. You have the what to expect talk with Laff yet?” I pull my coat on and follow Maria out of the shop.

“Nope, I will though. You ever done it?”

“Once,” I admit. “All I can say is, there’s no such thing as too much lube.”

Maria laughs at that. “I wouldn’t think there is such thing. They sell a 55-gallon drum of it on Amazon. Maybe I’ll get that delivered to the honeymoon suite.”

“Ha! You do that and you are guaranteed to have a dick up your ass all night,” I snicker. “I wasn’t crazy about it but to each his or her own.”

“Alcide’s been asking for it. I figure it’ll be a nice treat to apologize for all the wedding crazy I’ve been doling out.”

“Yeah, I can see that. I know I’ve been a basket case, but your cock in my ass’ll straighten me out.”

“That’s what he thinks,” she laughs. “I’ll be fine as soon as we say I do.”

“Well it’ll be over before you know it. You heading home now?”

“Yep, you?”

“I’m going to go check on the baby daddy. Don’t say anything to Al, okay?”

“I won’t. I’ll even act surprised when Eric tells him,” she chuckles.

“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I go left at the corner while she goes right. Even though I had pizza a few hours ago I’m starving again and there’s a kickass Chinese place around the corner from Eric’s apartment that is calling my name.

EPOV

When it’s clear I can’t focus on anything but the fact that I got Sookie pregnant I decide to call it a night. I’m exhausted and fuckin’ terrified of the prospect of having a child.

Charles is the bar manager, although I don’t allow him to manage often. I go out to the main bar and catch his attention.

“Hey, do you think you can handle closing up tonight?” I ask him.

“It’s what you pay me for,” he answers.

“I know, sorry,” I sigh. “I’m going to head home for the night. I’m fuckin’ exhausted.”

“It’s cool. We’ll be fine,” he assures me.

I nod and go back to the office to grab my shit. On the way out I shoot Sookie a text message to tell her I’ll be home in thirty. I don’t know where she’s at but I want to talk to her tonight. I don’t know what I want to say to her but I feel like we should. A whole lot of shit is going to have to change if she keeps this baby. My days will be filled with diapers and bottles and baby proofing my whole fuckin’ house.

I hop in my car and try to let my mind go blank as I drive home. I need to focus on the road and not what Sookie is going to look like when she starts to grow. My babies are going to be huge, I know it. I was ten pounds when I was born. At close to six and a half feet tall and two hundred plus pounds, Sookie is doomed. I’m not one of those guys that gets off on pregnant chicks, but she’s going to look hot. I’m just scared I’m going to start getting possessive since she’s carrying my baby. It wouldn’t be unheard of. I’m not going to worry about that until she decides to keep it though.

When I walk into to my house I’m not actually surprised to see Sookie on my couch with piles of Chinese food around her.

“You get enough for me?” I ask as I take my jacket off to hang on the coat hook.

“Nope. I had the weirdest craving for crab rangoon. I hate crab.” She holds out a styrofoam container. “General Tsao with pork fried rice and extra scallions.”

“Thanks.” I take the container and sit down next to her on the couch. “How was the fitting?” I pick up the chopsticks sitting on the table and dig into my food.

“Fine. Maria knows I’m pregnant. I asked her not to tell Al so they’re probably playing charades right now so he can guess.” She takes a big bite of an egg roll. “The orange chicken at this place almost makes me have an orgasm, by the way.”

“I can think of much better ways to induce orgasm,” I chuckle. “So, do you know if you’re keeping it?” I ask. “I’m going to support whatever you decide.”

“I don’t know yet. I’m not the mothering kind, so I don’t know,” she says.

“Are you going to allow me to come with you to your appointment tomorrow?” I take a bite of chicken and lean back on the couch.

“Not that you haven’t seen it all before but do you think Whora will be okay with you tagging along for a hooha exam?” She shovels some rice into her mouth.

“It’s Nora and I don’t really care. I’m going for the baby, and to be there for my friend. If she has a problem with it she doesn’t have to be with me,” I shrug. “She’s pissed at me anyway.”

“Uh oh. Did you forget to put the seat down in the loo?” Sookie snorts. “I’ll probably just pee in a cup and get prodded. If I’m lucky Dr. Fant will be able to tell me when I’m due.”

“I’d like to be there either way. And she’s pissed that I wouldn’t go to lunch with her. If she sticks around after I tell her about the baby she’ll learn what deep clean day is like and calm her tits next time.”

Sookie mumbles something under her breath about deportation and takes another bite of her egg roll.

I still don’t know what Sookie’s problem is with Nora, but if it continues I’m going to have to break things off with Nora anyway. I take a bite of my rice and set the container down. I reach over to rest my hand on Sookie’s belly, slowly rubbing.

“It’s weird to think there’s a little part of each of us incubating in here,” I say quietly.

“Yeah,” she agrees. “What if I decide to terminate it?”

“I’ll take you to and from the appointment and then take care of you while you recover,” I tell her. I don’t want children, but for some reason the thought of terminating the pregnancy bothers me. “I’ll hug you when you cry over what a terrible, selfish person you are. Then remind you it was for the best and that you’re not a bad person. That I’ve been your friend this long for a reason and it’s not just the good sex.”

“If I keep it are you really going to be involved or just doing it because your sperm donor failed you and you want to prove a point? I don’t want the kid growing up feeling like a burden to you.”

“Truthfully, yes, I hate my sperm donor, but I already know I’m better than him. I don’t need to use a child to prove that point. If you keep the baby I will be involved because I love the child, not out of obligation,” I assure her.

“Okay.” I can’t tell if that’s changed her mind at all.

“Are you going to push me away if I hug you?” I ask. I’m sure she needs it. I know I do.

“Only if you knock over my chicken. This kid is serious about food,” she answers.

“It’s mine, what do you expect?” I snort as I move her chicken out of the way. I wrap my arms around her and pull her back on the couch with me so she’s resting her head on my chest. “We’ll get through this either way, Sook.”

“I know.”

I rub her back slowly. This is scary, thinking about a baby. I’m not sure if I’ll even be good at raising a kid. I’ll probably fuck it up beyond repair, but it’s worth a shot, right?

“Sorry, I’ll let you eat,” I says quietly. I don’t want to let her go just yet.

“I’m totally going to the gym tomorrow,” she mutters.

“If that makes you feel better,” I chuckle. I kiss the top of her head and remind her, “If you keep this baby no amount of gym is going to keep you thin.” And her tits are going to look even better.

“Well Butterball can slow his roll in there,” she says.

“You’re going to look cute with a basketball belly,” I smile. “Your cleavage is going to be amazing.”

“You’re not helping,” she huffs and sits up.

“I’m sorry,” I chuckle. I reach over to rub her back as she goes after the orange chicken again. “I can’t change the facts and it’s true you’re going to look good.” She looks good now too, but I’m technically in a relationship. Plus, I don’t know if she’d be down to… what the fuck is wrong with me? We’re talking about a baby and I’m thinking about sex? I’m broken. Ugh.

“Your brain is wired wrong.”

“Why?” She doesn’t know I’m checking out her rack. It looks great in a that dress she has on. “You want to borrow something to change into?” I offer. The dress is form fitting and with the amount of food she has in front of her she’s going to feel bloated soon.

“No, why?” Sookie looks at me curiously. “Oh for fuck’s sake, stop staring at my tits.”

“With one of my T-shirts that won’t be a problem. I’m just thinking you’re going to get full,” I shrug. “I want you to stay over tonight. I’m going to need the cuddles.”

“I’m fine for now. You should be cuddling with Whora, not me.”

“She’s pissed at me,” I remind her. “And it’s Nora.” I correct her every time.

“And the way to fix that is by using my tits as pillows? Think again.”

“You’re the reason I need the cuddles,” I shrug. “This isn’t something I’m ready to share with her yet and if she comes over she’s going to know something is wrong.”

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea. Plus the appointment is really early tomorrow and I have to go straight to work. You’re going to have to figure this out on your own,” she tells me.

“Are you letting me come to the appointment?” I ask again. I’m still not clear on that.

“If you really want to be there, yeah, I guess I don’t have a problem with it.”

“Then stay the night. I’ll drive you to work after the appointment.”

“Eric, you have a girlfriend. You might be arguing right now, but no… It’s a bad idea,” she says.

“I’m not asking you to have sex with me, Sookie. And you didn’t have a problem with it when I crawled into bed with you a couple weeks ago,” I tell her.

“Because you’d been on two dates,” she scoffs. “The answer is no, Northman. Deal with it.”

“I’ll rub your back,” I offer. “Or whatever else might hurt.”

“N-O. After my appointment you should get your hearing tested.”

“I can hear just fine. I’m just persistent,” I wink. “I’m going to crash when you leave anyway. I’m barely awake as it is.”

“The appointment is at 6:45. She’s coming in early as a favor to me so if you’re not there, I’ll fill you in later.” Sookie gets up off the couch and takes her collection of containers to the kitchen. “There’s two-thirds of a pizza in here too!”

“What the hell?” I laugh as it stand to go to the kitchen. There wasn’t pizza when I left this morning. “I’ll take you to the appointment,” I say again when I reach the kitchen.

“I ordered it while I was waiting for the cable guy. Extra cheese and sausage, remember? And be at my place by 6:15. I don’t want to be late.”

I’ve been in such a daze since she told me she’s pregnant I completely forgot.

“I’ll be there. Want me to bring you anything?”

“If you’re stopping at Starbucks I’ll take a salted caramel hot chocolate,” she says.

“Okay,” I agree.

“Oh and maybe a scone… Or a breakfast sandwich… Fuck, Butterball is going to make me a fatty,” she pouts.

“Butterball will appreciate it when he or she is born,” I chuckle. “Sausage or bacon breakfast sandwich.” I know what she normally likes but that may have changed in the last twenty-four hours.

“Either. Surprise me. Butterball will devour it anyway, I’m guessing. I ate more in the last five hours than I have in the last three days.” Sookie pulls her dress away from her body and looks down. “Cool your balls in there, Butterball.”

I lean over to try to get a peek, earning myself a smack on the arm.

“What? I was looking at Butterball with you. I should get to scold too,” I argue. She knows I was looking at her tits.

“Butterball isn’t in my bra, asshat.” She pushes her tits up for emphasis… or to tease me.

“If I didn’t have a girlfriend I’d be attacking your tits right now, you know that, don’t you?” I ask. Sookie’s tits are the absolute best.

“Too bad you’re stuck with that double A blood sausage jockey,” she smirks and turns to put the leftovers in the fridge.

“I still don’t know what your problem is with her,” I sigh. Nora seems to like Sookie just fine. That may change after I tell her about the pregnancy.

“It doesn’t matter what my problem is.”

“It does to me,” I sigh. “If she sticks around after I tell her I’d like for you two to get along. You’re my baby Mama now and I’d like it if you got along with any other women in my life.”

“Okay,” she shrugs. Sookie turns and goes back to the living room for her coat and purse.

I shake my head and wait by the door for her to come back. I don’t care if she doesn’t want it, but I wrap her in a tight hug at the door. I really wish she would stay the night. Her reasons make sense, that doesn’t mean I have to like them.

“I’ll see you bright and early,” I say as I rock us from side to side.

“I’ll be ready.”

“It would be easier if you just stayed here,” I remind her as I let her go.

“For you maybe. Get used to life not being about you,” Sookie says. She opens the front door. “See you in the morning.”

I watch as she walks out. It is going to be weird being less selfish. I guess it’s a good thing I have time to get used to it. I think that also means she’s going to keep the baby. Which means in about eight months I’m going to have a mini me. I won’t be able to live like a bachelor. Fuck. I’m going to have to tell my mom. She’s going to be pissed that Sookie and I aren’t trying a relationship again. Some days I think she likes Sookie more than she likes me, which isn’t that hard. I’m a selfish prick and I know it.

I lock the door behind me when I go back into the kitchen. I go after a slice of pizza, making sure to heat it up first. If there wasn’t sausage I’d eat it cold. As it’s warming I contemplate calling Nora. I’m too tired to hear her mouth about the baby thing tonight, but I feel bad for the way things left off earlier. I start to clean up the rest of the leftover mess Sookie missed and pick up my phone to dial Nora’s number.

“Hello,” she answers.

“Hey,” I reply.

“I’m surprised you’re ringing me with how busy you are.”

“I came home. I’m calling you to let you know I’m crashing and I wanted to say goodnight.”

“Right. Well goodnight then.”

“Why are you so pissed at me?” I ask. “I don’t think turning down lunch warrants your attitude.”

“You called to say goodnight so I said goodnight. Was I supposed to make it more poetic?”

“Maybe have a little less tone when you say it,” I sigh. “I got snapped at for being busy and I can tell you’re still irritated.” This is why I don’t stay in relationships too long. They get pissed when I don’t go running to comfort them at the slightest sign of irritation.

“Tell you what, you give me a script and I’ll be happy to follow it. Would that be better?”

“How about telling me why you’re being so bitchy to me, that would be better.”

“You want things a certain way. I’m merely attempting to ascertain what that way is,” she answers. “Maybe you could tell me why you’re such a crabby wanker.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” I chuckle because she sounds cute saying it. “Nora, I’m tired, babe. I got about an hour of sleep last night and today has been stupid long.”

“Then go to bed and quit trying to pick an argument with me,” she advises. “Or let me come over and give you a happy ending.”

Ooooh, that’s so tempting.

“I have to be up and out of the house by 5:45,” I tell her. She knows she can’t stay once I leave.

“I’ll be gone before eleven.”

I look at the clock. That would give us a good two hours… Fuck, I’m exhausted.

“I’ll do all the work…”

“I’ll leave the door unlocked,” I say. The way that rolled off her tongue made my cock twitch.

“I’ll be there soon,” she promises and then hangs up.

I unlock the front door and get my pizza from the microwave. To be safe I set my alarm on my phone so I don’t oversleep. She’s going to be pissed when she finds out about the baby. I might as well enjoy this while I can. Nora has a long, thin body with decent tits and ass. It’s what she does with that body that keeps me coming back. I didn’t intend to date her, but the orgasms I have with her are insane.

I finish my pizza and go to my room. On the way I stop when I reach one of my spare rooms. This is most likely going to be a nursery in a few months. That’s a scary fuckin’ thought.

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